Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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