I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
