so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
