girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
