You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
