Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
