loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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