Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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