my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Panties = found
Randomize
