i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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