You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
