he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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