remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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