It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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