I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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