I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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