well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
