why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Randomize
