There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
