I hope mine doesn't look like that
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Randomize