You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize