and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Randomize
