i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
