My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
