Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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