just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
