what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
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