Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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