I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
