You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
