She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
