you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
