Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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