Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize