Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
