I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
