You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
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