tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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