I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
