i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
