Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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