If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
