I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize