her vagina looked like bernie madoff
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
