That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
