I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
