youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you inspire me to be a worse person
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize