i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
