I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
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