I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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