when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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