The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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