No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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