nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
