Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
