planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
