All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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