the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
