I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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