not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
