Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
