You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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