im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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