Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
