Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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