The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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